Mr. Rage the Wave

The anger that rages within the walls wants to spill and splash out in every direction that exists. It is so great that it can cause a person to be sick. It slowly eats away at a soul, taking its toll on the body and health. The inner torment felt cannot be explained, only pitied. While misunderstanding occurs as it is difficult to truly grasp or understand the inner workings, the only thing that can be seen is the scarring effect upon the person.

But, behind the “R” word is even more. Behind the rage is an answer, it is history, and clarity, something that few people are ever able to understand. Judgment and shame is felt by the one who rages on with the majority of the sentencing and condemnation coming from the evil one.

It is dizzying, sickening, and difficult to contain. But, it rages on nonetheless, with no mercy on he who receives the beating.

But, once again this sickness, this wave of rage is and provides insight. It gives the observant one a sneak peek into a bit of the deep; it provides understanding without actual words. If approached carefully, it opens careful eyes to a whole new world, a world of compassion and sensitivity. But, this only comes from a willingness to learn, to to listen, to sit, to be. Without a careful approach, consequences may ensue.

On the outside, Mr. Rage is always ready to attack and unleash its fury on those around. It would love nothing more than to destroy all that is in sight, yet to the careful eyes it is a cover up, a façade to the underlying deep and dark. With grace and love given best by the "One", an interest is taken to sit in the weeds and to go deep to uncover what is hidden. Few are able to handle the depth and heavy debris, but to those who are able there is much to learn and see.

May God have mercy and grace on Mr. R as he rages on, unstoppable and unpredictable; calmed only by the careful eyes and gentle hands of those willing to near.

Grace and mercy be to you Mr. R, grace and mercy. You need it, I need it, we all need it.

The Rain & some Truth

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Isn’t it interesting how sometimes things seem a bit clearer after the rain?

Roughly a week or so ago, I had to work on an assignment for a class I’m taking called The Journey. This assignment required that I learn, read, think, and pray about the area of solitude, then answer some questions about it. After glancing over the questions and spending almost no time praying about this topic I answered the questions. I answered them as if I knew, fairly certain, of the answers.

Some of the questions were: “How and when do you resist or avoid being alone?” “What troubles you or makes you antsy about being alone?” “When have you felt most comfortable being alone? Most uncomfortable?” and “What sense of God do you have when you are alone?”

I answered those questions fairly confidently in one sitting and I saved the doc planning to print it up and give it to our group lead next Tuesday.

Then, yesterday happened....the rain.

I woke up around 8:00 or so to have a coffee meeting with a friend. Having had a few meetings with this person in the past, I didn’t think our meeting would be any different than past meetings. I was wrong. Some of the things we spoke about were troublesome to me. I was quite surprised by how deeply troubled I was, as in different contexts, I may not have been. I left the meeting with a weighty head and heart. It was, as if, I had been convicted, but didn’t quite know what to do with it.

Have you ever carried around something heavy, but didn’t know why it was heavy? For example, I have a large purse and with it I carry a lot of random (and sometimes unnecessary) items. And, sometimes my purse feels much heavier than it regularly feels, but I don’t know why. That is, until I realize that there was one object in there holding all of the heavy weight. This was me...after the meeting.

I was carrying around this weight and it was heavy and very troubling. So much so that, at that moment, it affected my spiritual and emotional state. I couldn’t stop thinking about it; it was heavy and deeply upsetting. I found that it was at this exact moment that I truly (emotionally and internally) resisted “being alone”. Things just suddenly felt dark, as if the black clouds were rolling in and I was seeking shelter. But, the shelter that I was seeking was not the Lord, it was people.

Not knowing what to do with this weight, I just wanted to find it and get rid of it. I just wanted to talk with someone to “talk it away”. I didn’t want to sit with it; I didn’t want to continue carrying the purse with the heavy weight in it. I didn’t want to be alone.

But, I was alone. Maybe not in the sense of true solitude where you go away from people and just sit with God, but I felt deeply alone because I was not able to (at that time and place) run towards friends or even my roommates for comfort. I just had to sit with it. And, having to just sit alone with the dark, the trouble, the weight was an extremely scary place to be.

It wasn’t until the meeting and after the meeting that some of my questions for my solitude assignment were truly answered. It wasn’t until after the rain that I could see more clearly what was in front of me.

Since taking this class, it has simply amazed me how far and deep and long and wide we go to deceive ourselves. Sometimes not intentionally, but nonetheless we do it. We think we know ourselves much more than we truly do. And, as far as we think we know ourselves comes how much we truly don’t know ourselves. We in reality don’t even know the half of it. But, I think what is even more amazing than how far we go to deceiving ourselves is how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, surpassing all knowledge.

Like I asked at the start of my blog, isn’t it interesting how sometimes things seem a bit clearer after the rain? Well, isn’t it...? Without the rain, I wouldn't have been able to see clearer and understand a bit more the great love of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you Lord for the rain.